Friday, December 18, 2009

The Situation

This is Mike.

He refers to his abs as "the situation".

My abs, on the other hand, are a completely different situation altogether.

I haven't seen MTV's new reality show, "Jersey Shore", but I can't seem to go anywhere online without seeing a picture, quote or clip from it. Apparently, it's about a group of young whoring guidos and guidettes living in a place together on the, get this...Jersey Shore.

The boys, more than the girls, seem to be getting the most publicity and, I imagine, it's because of their bulging...personalities.

Mike is the breakout star of the show and he appears to be more confident than anyone should be, yet, like all of us, he just wants to be loved that so wroooooong? Take this quote he gave E! about his gay fans...

"I'll be honest, I like the attention [from gay men]. I'm flattered if there are guys with different preferences that have crushes on me."

I wonder how he feels about the guys with different preferences who like wearing diapers and drinking out of a bottle having a crush on him?

Even I'm not that open-minded.

Of course, none of the guidos are actually gay, which is probably a good thing. Apparently the boys already fight with the girls over time in the bathroom to do their hair. If they were all gay, the house would need a lot more mirrors, closets and hair gel to keep everyone from having a meltdown.

Speaking of hair...

This is DJ Pauly D who, according to his bio, orders gel by the case and does his hair twice a day. That's not gay, it's just...practical. Here he is, I assume, wishing his straight friend "good luck" before a date with a girl with big hair and store-bought hooters.

Again, not gay. It's just bro-support.

And we all know that support can be beautiful.

This is Ronnie.

According to his bio, he is just a lover who wants to have a good time.

Ronnie might want to spend a little more time with his roommate, Pauly D.

As much as I hate these kinds of reality shows for showcasing and promoting the grossest possible stereotypes of humanity who likely signify the end of civilization as we know it (and that goes for "Flava of Love" and all versions of "Housewives" from any city), I can't help but think they should do "Santa Monica Shores" and feature some famous D-list Hollywood guidos living in a foreclosed condo on the beach. The casting possibilities are endless...

Tony Danza hasn't done "Dancing with the Stars" yet, so they could probably get him for a song and a dance (and he likes doing both of those).

Richard "Booker" Grieco could probably use a break from his European singing career (I have one of those too) and straight-to-DVD movies for some quality time in the surf and sand.

Joey "Whooaaa!" Lawrence did do "Dancing with the Stars", but has obviously had to suppliment his income since by bartending at the "Slippery Fist". So, I'm sure they could snag him for a couple weeks of bro-bonding.

And, of course, they'd have to get Antonio Sabato Jr.

Athough he did do "My Antonio" last year, I doubt his search for true love ended up being all he thought it would be when he started looking for it, as we all do, during eight grueling weeks on camera.

He's obviously comfortable with the beach, hair gel and flexing...

I'm sensing a Matriarch...

I need to call my agent.


Brad said...

Diapers & Bottles? Where the hec did that come from?

Vampire Hours said...

You obviously don't spend much time on Craigslist.

Anonymous said...

I know, I know - this should be appalling to me as it is the epitome of trashy reality stardom, yet let's face it - I am superficial and some these guys need to be on my dinner plate. Soon.

Boston Mark

Vampire Hours said...

I'll see what I can do. Hope you have a few extra plates.