TGIF indeed

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to....



Touchdown Jesus!

As my dad and I were driving back from visiting two of the gambling boats on the borders of Indiana and Kentucky (gambling is allowed as long as the casino is "on water"...hilarious), he said "There's Touchdown Jesus" and, lo and behold....he was right.

I guess this particular church is famous for creating this ginormous Jesus torso reaching up to the heavens in front of their new property. My dad says it looks like he's reacting to a football game after someone scored a basket, homerun or goal or whatever it is that people do in Football.



I also got a photo of the Dayton, Ohio skyline as we headed back to Tipp. Ironically, located prominently at the bottom of the photo is Sinclair Community College...the only official college I attended briefly in Ohio before moving to California. I had no idea it was part of the photo until I uploaded it a few minutes ago.

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd avoid more posts about my phobia-filled childhood and questionable manhood and focus on one of my favorite weekend things...



Calculus.

Yeah right....as if I had a brain cell that could comprehend Calculus.

My brother owns the only liquor store in our small town. See, in Ohio, you are only allowed to have one in any city. So, my brother bought our small carryout store and moved it away from its semi-hidden location down by the railroad tracks (you know..."that" part of town to many people) and placed it front and center into our fair city.

He made sure it wasn't scary looking, added a huge wine selection and scheduled regular wine tastings and...business is booming.



At the beginning, some people said that locals wouldn't like being so visible as they snuck their Boone's Farm and travel-size liquor bottles into their cars and purses during the day...but it's actually done quite the opposite.

I was pleasantly surprised at how busy it was as people of all ages, social standings and, for some, questionable grooming habits smiled their way in and out of the store in just the hour I was there.

There is no shame in enjoying a little tasty beverage now and then (as long as it doesn't run your life or hinder mine).



While browsing the shelves, I noticed this set of new wines simply called "Evil" and "Bitch".

After I stopped laughing I asked my brother if he sold a lot of this and, no surprise, he has. A lot! If I could sneak a case of that back to LA, I would.

Browsing the vast assortment of beverages made me think of my friends, for some reason. I can't imagine why....



I wondered how Oscar was adjusting to his new school schedule and the culture shock of leaving Atlanta and Asheville and being thrust back into the crazy tree-less LA lifestyle again.



I wondered how my friends David and Christine are doing in Atlanta. Are they hanging by the relaxing lake with Mike this weekend?



I wondered if Joel and Sheldon have managed to keep the plants alive around the house while I've been gone. Plus, I think that "Marilyn Merlot" is a genius name...



I wondered how Cindy, Gaby and Wiley were adjusting to their, now quieter, home after Maggie, Oscar (or "Osco" as Wiley called him) and I left.



I wondered how my friend John has managed to stay sane during his DMV job training the past couple of weeks and how my friend Lauren manages her long drive to and from work each day.



I wondered how my friends Chris R. and Andrew were getting through their long, hectic work weeks in LA. Calling Doctor Bombay. Emergency, emergency....come right away!



As for me...I wondered how many metric tons I've gained since leaving LA and eating so many wonderful, yet far from light, meals during my travels the past couple of weeks. Meals like this dietary breakfast I had a few days ago at the American Legion with my parents....



Yes...those are hash browns and gravy and, yes, I ate every coagulated bite.

But, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just gonna do what I usually do while I'm here...



Go down to the VFW with my parents and enjoy their nice friends, watch the chair-dart playing (when you are too drunk to stand up and play darts, they bring out chairs) and partake in the frighteningly cheap drinks (60 cents or a beer and $1.20 for a large mixed drink).

I mean...it is Friday, after all.

Touchdown!!!

Down on the farm

I used to hate going to the farm.

So, naturally, when my dad asked me if I'd like to go along with him for a quick visit yesterday, I said "Uhhh....sure!"

As kids, we used to go to my dad's farm (it was our grandparents place until they died) and help out fairly regularly. I was almost as useful on the farm as I was on the football team. My "love" of bugs, spiders and snakes only made the announcement "Get in the car, we're heading to the farm" that much more terrifying.



There were a variety of things we'd have to do to help out....like, clean the chicken coop. Nothing tears through your sinuses and intestinal system as quickly as the wafting odor that comes from digging into the fragrant. dry, caked chicken soil with a pitchfork.

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Then, there would be the weeding of the various hodge-podge gardens. That is where I acquired my, now infamous, "Dear Lord in Heaven above I just walked face-first into a spiderweb" dance, complete with flailing arms and trembling jazz hands. Besides trying to watch out for arachnids, there were the hideously fat and nasty potatoe bugs under every leaf and, oh LOOK...a garter snake!!

Green Acres was NOT the place to be...at least for me.



But, my favorite memory of all, was the family pig slaughter that I attended one year. My dad and uncles kept a pig on the farm, fattened it up and then, when it was good and ready....it was time to make bacon out of it. As if getting up at 4 am was not bad enough, there I was at the entrance of the barn with my uncles and my younger brother, happily brandishing his new bb gun, as they prepared to kill it.

All I remember was running quickly to the nearby gas tank by a tree and crying as my brother and uncles pulled their triggers in unison. The sound of that pig squealing will never leave my brain.



Then, of course, the rest of the day was a Saw-esque festival (with all the Aunts and other children) of cutting the pig up, making sausage and other food items that would just add to the visual gems forever burned into my nightmares.

I would never have survived in the "old days".



Thankfully, our visit this week involved no carnage or critter of any kind. We walked around the grounds, picked a few random tomatoes still clingly to their withering vines, grabbed some dried corn stalks for Halloween decoration....then drove back up the lane to the road home.

I didn't feel the intense anxiety I did as a kid....but a slight sense of dread and unease still lingers at times, all these years later.

Thankfully, time, years of therapy, and a great amount of distance has a way of changing your perspective and fear.

However, you won't ever hear me say "I'm leaving the city and movin' to the farm!".

Ever.

Be aggressive, B E Aggressive!

What they lack in synchronicity, they more than make up in darn-cuteness.

Who even knew that 4th grade sports teams had their own cheerleaders?

I went to one of my nephew's Little League football games this week and it certainly brought back a variety of memories and emotions.



I was horrible at most sports as a kid, especially football. I never enjoyed playing it and was always so happy when each season was over. Also, no one thanked God more than me when a freak blizzard cut our westling season down to a few short matches the one year I actually was on the team.

The only sport I ever enjoyed playing was tennis and that was only because my best friend David (my friend now living in Atlanta) was on the team and we both were "so good" that we were often paired up against girls on other teams and were usually beaten by them too.



But, you know what....being beaten by girls and probably ranking as one of the worst players on the team never really bothered me...because David and I always enjoyed ourselves and had fun. We often just laughed about our absurd popularity-free situation and continued to do our best and hope for a Christmas miracle.

I had never really experienced that feeling of fun with any sport up to that point...or after.



Being the oldest, I am sure that my lack of skill on most playing fields was less than thrilling or brag-worthy for my parents. I bet they spent lots of time discussing about my "stellar" performances in a variety of no-budget High School theater productions and my unnatural obsession with almost every television show that ever aired.

Parents love to boast about the fact that their oldest son can sing almost every TV theme song and also carries a Laverne and Shirley lunchbox to school. Not to mention the "Star Trek" obsession...the choir competitions....oh, the geek-worthy list goes on and on.



Thankfully, my younger brother and sisters more than made up for my indifferent competitive nature and each excelled in a variety of sports, which I'm sure was much more satisfying to watch from the stands and to discuss over beers at the VFW.

My nephew's team won the game that day, although he didn't get to play much.

But, what I was pleasantly surprised to find out was that he doesn't like playing football either and his parents were okay with that. To hear my brother say that he just wants his son (also the oldest) to play something he enjoys, made my heart smile.



Life is full of enough unrealistic expectations and stresses as it is.

I'm just glad that there is at least one kid out there who is allowed to decide what he wants to do and, if it turns out it's not for him....is given the parental okay to do something else.

That's definitely something to cheer about.

Walking home tour

It seems that the Tipp City library opens at 10 am, which did me no good at 9 am this morning when I arrived (which is when my Mom thought it opened). So, rather than walk back...I just set up my computer on the steps of the library and worked from there as my "stuffed friends" looked on.

Only in Tipp.



While driving around with my parents yesterday, we passed this house (which is right next to my sister's house and 5 houses up from my parent's house...all on historic Main Street) and I commented about how much I liked it. My mom said "Oh it rents for about $900/month".

$900 a MONTH?!!

It's a 3 story (with basement) house with at least 4 bedrooms, a full garage and in a great area. I mean, you can walk to the Dairy Queen in about one minute from there.

As we passed a couple homes, also on Main Street, I noticed for sale, I had to ask if they knew how much they were selling for....

These two homes are listed (and have been sitting on the market for almost a year) in the mid-200's. They each have 4-5 bedrooms.





This house (which is next to my parents) has been empty for 4 years and on the market for over a year. It has 4 complete floors, at least 5 bedrooms, a full garage with guest quarters, a pool AND a second 3 bedroom house on the back part of the lot that has its own address on the next street. The entire property (both houses on about 1/2 acre) has been for sale for $450 K.



In California, these houses would go for 3 times the amount they do here. Plus, I've heard that many people here in Tipp tend to prefer the "new" developments outside of town...which suprises me. There are so many wonderful old homes in town with great character, lots of light, on quiet streets right in town and not a crack whore in sight.

So, I took my camera out for a walk yesterday and thought I'd show you a few other homes in our fair city that I enjoy.

This is my sister's house....it was built in the 1890's and has HUGE rooms and high ceilings.



And here are some other homes along my walk...





















Aren't they purty?

I've seen a few of these houses for sale over the past few years and many of them went for $150-$200K. Why do I live in California again?

Oh, that's right....for the traffic, smog and lack of greenery.

They certainly don't have that here.

Last days in Asheville

I couldn't find a good internet connection for the past couple of days, so I'm down at the library here in Tipp City, Ohio (where I grew up) sitting on a small wooden desk enjoying the free wireless internet connection.

Ahhh....



Our last couple of days in Asheville went very quickly, but were a lot of fun. If you ever get to Asheville, you definitely need to stop by the Grove Park Inn. It is a beautiful hotel and spa that has been there since the early 1900's.



The hotel was created by E.W. Grove, a man who made his millions promoting "Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic", something that claimed to ward off the effects of Malaria.





I don't know if that print ad would fly in California (with its focus on being slim and slimmer), but it obviously worked enough for E.W. to build this amazing resort.











Although we didn't get a chance to enjoy the wonderful spa facilities, we did take the time to enjoy the decor and interesting areas of the hotel. We even rode in the elevator that is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for being built inside a huge fireplace.





It's very Harry Potter-esque.

We also found out that, besides Malaria cures, Mr. Grove also peddled a very popular elixir to help with "Piles" (now people just use Preparation H). Judging by the testimonials, it appeared to give many people a great deal of relief.





PAZO really must have been a Godsend...especially for some of those people who were suffering with it for almost 30 years.

Ouch!

We also noticed that, besides many presidents and world leaders, our new airport friend, Richard Simmons, is featured as a treasured visitor.



I bet he could make millions selling PAZO to his "Sweatin' With the Oldies" followers. The collective sigh of relief in his workout rooms would likely be overwhelming.

After leaving the Inn (where Barack Obama would arrive two days later for a stay before his next debate), we took a drive into downtown Asheville. We stopped and got a refreshing beverage and walked around this vibrant little city.













There was also a great wig store that featured several popular looks of today (well, for some people)...





I can't wait to wear my new dreads to the market in LA!

After stopping by the lovely home of their other friend named Maggie (who also moved with her husband from Venice, CA less than a year before Cindy and Gaby did), we headed home, ate, slept, woke up, showered, packed, ate some more, sat, chatted, sat, ate a bit more, then took a quick photo with everyone in front of Cindy and Gaby's lovely home...



Oscar and Maggie headed back to LA and I headed to Ohio, to see my family for the week.



Be it ever so humble....