If there is a Hell, I'm certain that the Emmy Awards ceremony that aired on Sunday would be playing on a continuos loop on every television set in the flame-domain thoughout eternity.
It was painful to watch right from the beginning and, like a bad kidney stone, became more unbearable as the three hour "event" passed into the night.
The only thing missing was Rob Lowe singing with Snow White again.
From the clueless and punchline-awareness-free reality show co-hosts, the badly photoshopped set pieces, the awkward "sock-it-to-me"/"Laugh-In" segment (poor Alan Sues and Dana Delany's dignity), Jeremy Piven's blathering acceptance speech, Josh Grobin's lengthy TV theme song medly, to the mind-numbing finale that focused on the winner of best reality show host...the pungent horse-hockey was piling on quicker than you could shovel it out of your brain.
The only glimmers of light in the night were Ricky Gervais, Tina Fey/ "30 Rock" winning several times, and Jean Smart and Glenn Close nabbing much-deserved awards before, I hope, rushing out immediately to drink the rest of the night's throbbing viewing pain away.
I don't care how much money they need to spend or who they have to sexually gratify to do it, but please, oh PLEASE, drive that truckload of Emmy production cash up to Ellen's house (or Jon Stewart's) and beg one of them to host again next year.
If nothing else, you could probably get Kathy Griffin to do it for scale and a nice hotel room (at least then we'd know the banter would be, if nothing else, memorable).
If the Emmys cared at all about any of us, they would do it.
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