Jean-Claude-Bonaduce Top

I saw this picture today of Jean-Claude Van Damme at the Cannes Film Festival and read about a mockumentary about "his" life that he's promoting called "J.C.V.D" (for his name). I've read a lot over the past few years about his drug and steriod problems and, like most people in that position, his face is really starting to show that.

His overall change is even more apparent in this interview from Cannes as well....



He used to be this high-energy happy guy and now just seems a bit...sad.

I do feel bad for him and wish that he and many other people could find a way to avoid the steriod-madness that seems to be all around these days. It has really made some people start to look like creatures...almost cartoons of their former selves....like...



Danny Bonaduce...and, the king of all steriod creatures....



Carrot Top.

All three of them even kind of look alike in the face...hair....smiles.

But, honestly....Carrot Top should be the poster child for "Don't do Steroids!".

He should also be the poster child for the movie "Killer Clowns from Outer Space 2".

Release the Kraken!

I don't know why they didn't cast Carrot Top as the creature in the new Clash of the Titans...



They're practically twins.

I saw the new movie this weekend and..it was okay. If you haven't seen the original, you'll probably enjoy it more. Although, I'm not sure that it's worth seeing the 3D version. The effects weren't that good and you could save yourself half the admission price and see it in 2D and have almost the same experience.



The original film starred Harry Hamlin as the toga-wearing hero. In the new one,  we get an armor-clad Sam Worthington (he of Avatar-fame) brooding his way through the scenery.



The original Zeus was played by Sir Laurence Olivier (he must have needed the money to add a rumpus room to his home at the time).



The remake has Liam Neeson taking over the role in a very shiny suit of armor.



I really wish they had brought back Maggie Smith as Thetis, from the original. I love her in the Harry Potter movies, but she really could have brought a bit of much-needed class to this sparkly new version.



The new Kraken (the beast that is supposed to destroy the humans) is certainly a CGI-extravaganza and is just a "wee" bit more scary than the original stop-motion version below...



The story is kind of lame and really strays from the original. But, if you're in the mood for a night of cheesy action, a big scary monster, and very little substance...

Go see Carrot Top perform in Vegas.

Then rent Clash of the Titans when it comes out on DVD in the fall.

The Melbourne Museum

While taking the City Circle Trolley around the city (a good way to see most of Melbourne for free in one big loop), I decided I would stop by the new museum and check it out. I visit museums and art galleries more because I feel like I should when visiting a new country and also because it's probably wise to try to do a little more than sleep in late and drink throughout the night (I can do that at home). So, I figure absorbing a little culture and some nice air-conditioning couldn't hurt now and then. So, I follow my little map and find the museum. I mean, look at that picture above....doesn't the building just feel like it's saying "I'm a fancy museum...Bring thy tired, sweaty buttocks into my cavernous bosom and immerse yourself into the history and culture that lives within my stone carved walls."?

Well, maybe it's not saying that EXACTLY...but it does look like a building that should be a museum, right?

Not so much...after trying a few locked doors, then walking around to the front of the building to an empty parking lot and more locked doors ("Great...I've just walked half a mile in 100 degree heat, while the last remnants of sunscreen slither down from my forehead and drip, like burning acid, into my eyes...and the damn thing is closed?!") I notice, around the corner...the real museum.



Hmmm...it's very modern and sleek and the only thing I'm hearing it say is: "I'm the real museum, you stupid tourist. I "can't wait" for you to drag your burning bloodshot eyes and sweaty body into my clean, environmentally-green, air-conditioned vessel of vast wonders and knowledge, most of which you'll never begin to fully understand."

Thankfully, I can deal with attitude as long as there is air-conditioning. So, I squinted my way into the WONDERFULLY cool (as in, not 100 degrees) new museum.

There were lots of skeletons of beasts of yore....






A family of Kangaroos and other local animals who were able to, remarkably, hold the same pose for the entire time I was in the museum (and I snuck back a few times to surprise them too)...



Hey boys and girls, look up there...naked people art....


Then, I found the Insect Museum....



That, my friends, is some kind of live Buffallo Tarantula from the tropics. You know what makes this one especially cute and cuddly? It hisses and screaches a bit and is very poisonous. The reason I know this is that, while taking this particular picture, I accidently hit the "sounds" button with my elbow and was greeted with a unexpected burst of loud hissing and screaching into my right ear.....which of course, startled the crap out of me and instinctively sent me into the "Sweet Lord, what the ass was that?" flailing-arm-dance.

Thankfully, no other visitors witnessed that....just me, the hissing spider and, I'm sure, a small team of security guards eating Cinnebon while watching my every move on the video surveillance monitors hidden throughout this modern building of fantastical horrors.

So, I left the spider area...at least I thought I did. On the wall, as I'm walking "casually" away, I notice this sign...



My first thought was that is was just one of those cute signs you could buy in the gift shop, like "Baby on Board" or "I'm with Stupid" or "Carrot Top for President". Then, I turned to my right and noticed that I was leaning one hand on the edge of a half-wall that opened up midway into a very dimly lit room. As I peeked carefully into the OPEN room...a room with NO glass barrier between the wall, the visitors, and the contents inside, I notice that it is covered in spider webs, floor to ceiling, with spiders, BIG ones, hanging casually in the air towards the top of the ceiling in their designer woven homes.



I know you can't really see them very well, but they're up there. And, because it was a big, dark, open room filled with spiders that I could have easily passed out INTO, I took that picture quickly and twitched my way into the next area....BIG BUGS.





These bugs are common in many areas of Australia, generally the outback, but...sometimes you find them "around".

That was enough nightmare nourishment for me in the insect room. Thankfully, the rest of the museum was really interesting and fun to walk through. I spent the next hour exploring a variety of really nice, educational, bug-free-themed exhibits and then headed back to the hotel for a series of hot showers and calming balms.

Did I mention I'm heading to New Zealand on Tuesday? You know what they don't have?

Big bugs and spiders.

I'm kinda lookin' forward to it....

Viva

I'm off to Las Vegas for a few days.

Hopefully they have removed all of the Carrot Top slot machines.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

She comes in peace...always

Celine Dion will be returning to Vegas, starting this weekend, with a new contract that is worth around $100 million dollars...

Certainly Celine has been good for Caesars, and Caesars has been good for Celine—paying her a reported $100 million for 210 shows over the next three years. During her prior run, from 2003 to 2007, Dion sold out more than 700 consecutive performances, smashing local records for total audience (nearly 3 million), and bringing in more than $400 million at the box office, more greenbacks than the Rat Pack, Liberace, and Elvis combined.

This time around, she’s being touted as a one-woman stimulus bill—worth at least $114 million a year and thousands of jobs.

I hope her planet can spare her long enough to help save Las Vegas.

Obviously, Charlie Sheen and Carrot Top can't do it on their own.

All Hail

Joel's Oscar posters (with Oscar featured above) are perfect for my overview, as always.

Well, the King's Speech really swept the awards last night. I haven't seen it yet, but plan to soon. The Brits usually do a great job with movies like that (I loved The Queen), so I'm sure it'll be fun to watch.



The Social Network was also up for a variety of awards and won several, but didn't have enough votes to beat out the King. I also need to see this too.



The Black Swan did pretty well, considering the competition. Of course, I had the same reaction to that movie as Cate Blanchett did to The Wolfman clip. "That's Gross" may have been my favorite quote from last night's show.



I was kind of hoping Inception would do better, but was glad it won the visual effects awards that it did. I really liked that movie and thought they did an amazing job all around. I would have been happy if it had won Best Picture too. But, it didn't.



I didn't think James Franco would win for 127 Hours (and he'll certainly not win anything for hosting the Oscars last night), so that might have explained why he was so "blah" during the entire show. Maybe if he had cut off his own arm during the telecast it would have made for at least one memorable moment of the night.



My favorite musical selection was "He doesn't own a shirt." from Twilight. That was probably the best bit of the night, which isn't saying much.

I think Anne Hathaway is lovely and certainly looked good in her vast array of dresses throughout the night, but she and James Franco are hardly Martin and Lewis. Carrot Top's gig in Vegas is certainly not in danger of being replaced by the comedy stylings of Franco and Hathaway.

Hopefully the Academy has learned a good lesson. A good host needs to be more than young, pretty and breathing to keep the show interesting.

Bob Hope got more laughs dead than Anne and James did all night alive.

Hmmm...if they just pieced together clips of dead hosts from shows past as "hosts" of next year's Oscars, THAT would be creepy fun and might just be what the the network needs to grab that youth demographic they feel like they desperately need.

Wes Craven or Eli Roth could direct it.

Oscar gold!

Make them stop!

Here is another "classic" movie from SyFy that I can't wait to not watch…Lavalantula.

A defenseless Los Angeles under attack by a swarm of — wait for it — giant lava-breathing tarantulas that roast their quarry alive! Adding to the mayhem is a reunion of three key cast members from the Police Academy canon: Steve Guttenberg — starring as a washed-up ’90s action hero who must save us — Leslie Easterbrook and Michael Winslow. Can they save the City of Angels from the eight-legged volcano spawn?? Nia Peeples co-stars in the movie, which has begun production for a summer 2015 premiere.

Giant Tarantulas and Steve Guttenberg and Nia Peeples?

In one movie?!!

If they had added Carrot Top, I'd know that it was absolutely the End of Days.

2008 Sexiest Man Alive

Well, it's official....Hugh Jackman is the winner.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that his big-budget movie, Australia, opens soon. But, that aside, it's kind of hard to argue that he could be considered, by many, to be sexy.



I mean, he may be a good-looking movie star with a world-wide fanbase.

But, try as he will....



He's no Carrot Top.

Help us, Obi Wan

This cast must be the final sign of the impending apocalypse...

The All-Star Celebrity Apprentice‘s cast of 14 includes Michaels, Trace Adkins, Stephen Baldwin, Gary Busey, Penn Jillette, Lil Jon, Dennis Rodman, Dee Snider, Omarosa, Marilu Henner, La Toya Jackson, Claudia Jordan, Lisa Rinna and Brande Roderick.

I don't have enough "air quotes" available on my computer to fully engulf their use of the term "All-Star Celebrity Cast".

The only "all stars" missing from this cast are Carrot Top, Michael Lohan, and the ghost of Mr. Ed.

Wednesday?

The Internets were all abuzz yesterday over a photo of Christina Ricci posing as Morticia Addams from The Addams Family movies in the 90's (where she played the youngest daughter, Wednesday).



Although it turned out to be a crafty photoshopped image, there has certainly been a sudden renewed interest in Christina Ricci possibly playing that role in the future.

Stranger things have happened...



Carrot Top gets my vote to play Cousin Itt.

And speaking of extreme changes....today is the first day of fall.



So, time to pack away the Tube Tops until next year.

Jazz Hands

As many of you know, I saw this "King of Kings" statue outside of a church on my last trip to Ohio last fall while driving back from a day at the casino with my Dad. I was told it was also known as "Big Butter Jesus" by some and, by most people, was just called "Touchdown Jesus", which I thought was hilarious.



I guess people have known about this ginormous statue for years and, oftentimes, have stopped their cars and posed with it for fun.





However, last week, it seems that Mother Nature had other plans...

Charred remnants remained this morning, June 15, of the large Jesus statue iconic to Interstate 75 that was destroyed following an apparent lightning strike during a thunderstorm late Monday night.

The statue was constructed of wood and styrofoam over a steel framework that was anchored in concrete and covered with a fiberglass mat and resin exterior, according to the church. It was slated to undergo renovations this summer.

Hmmm...I'm certainly not a licensed contractor, but it seems to me that if you build a giant statue out of wood, styrofoam and line it with steel and then surround it by water...you're kinda taunting mother nature to "Bring It".

Of course, you always need to balance tragedy with a bit of humor. And, from my research, people didn't disappoint...



This one is a tribute to one of my favorite "Kids in the Hall" sketches "I'm crushing your head"...



And, of course, the Kittah's tribute...



What would Jesus say?

I think he's got a good sense of humor.

I mean, he did give us Kate Gosslin, Carrot Top and Sarah Palin didn't he?

He's knows funny.

Wig Struck

Cher performed the first single off of her upcoming album, Closer to the Truth, last night on the finale of The Voice. She also gave a nice half hour interview before the show, which you can watch here (the first minute or so of the interview reveals the lyrics to the song A Woman's World, which she sang).



She was certainly very calm/collected during the interview and actually seemed to be enjoying herself. At 67, perhaps she's mellowed out just a bit from previous years.

Well...she hasn't mellowed out that much.



Not sure what possessed her to strap on two Carrot Top wigs and a pair of Bieber-crotchless-pants for her performance on the show, but she's Cher.

She doesn't care what anyone thinks.

And that's the way we like her.

Here is her performance on The Voice last night....